funny things you don't talk about...

...

my cat
my Clyde was thirteen
I went to the back door to shout him in at 8.45pm and heard this noise 
I looked down and he was spread out on the floor
I immediately phoned the vet who went to the surgery on a sunday night
she said it wasn't a car that it had been done to him
his tail had been snapped from his spine
the nerves in his back end were no longer working
there was a hair-line fracture in his pelvis
he could no longer urinate or crap
he had to have his urine expelled by hand
his crap had to be expelled by hand
he spent a week at the vets 
and nearly two weeks of me trying to care of him at home
I tried my best giving him loxicom and liquid paraffin 
his favourite foods
but it just wasn't good enough
I never got pet insurance he was never ill
he had years left in him

he started to deteriorate 
he lost all his muscles on his left side 
he was struggling to walk

I wanted him to die at home where he's lived for thirteen years
lying in front of the fire
on my dressing gown
the vet came to the house to put him to sleep
as she gave him the injection I held his head in my hands 
and with my mouth on his head I whispered 
"My Top Clyde My Top Cat My T.C. My Stinky Wee Man" he loved that
then he was gone
it was the 24th March 2015
the vet even sent me and my mum a condolence card
my Clyde was thirteen

I drove him round the valley to all his places
it was raining but as I put him in the ground it stopped
the clouds broke and the sun came out
I buried him in the garden and read a poem
"Do not stand at my grave and weep"

I was going to bury him in my dressing gown because he loved it
but it still smells of him so I couldn't do it
I found it really difficult to let him go
but I had to

he was a bit smarter than the usual cats
he learnt to open the kitchen window and let himself out at one
he kept everyone's house free of mice and other rodents
he didn't piss or crap in anyone's garden
he didn't chase birds 
I think that was me falling out of a tree twice trying to rescue him

everybody knew my cat
everybody knew he was my cat
the police have been helpful
they said the village has been unusually quiet since it happened
the usual big bore exhaust car that race around the village have not been there
they reported it to the SSPCA 
questioning out in the village
but until they can get something there's not much they can do

these are the last photos I took when he came home

I don't really care for people
he kept looking at me as if to ask why has this been done?
I keep seeing a cat shape out of the corner of my eye in the house
but when I look he's not there
he was my best friend
my Clyde was thirteen

I miss him so much

funny things you don't talk about...

...

unlucky for some
people say the number 13 is unlucky for some
it's supposed to come from the day when the pope ordered the murder of knights templar
Friday the 13th
but if you look at it another way there are 13 lunar months to every year
& there are 13 signs to the zodiac
so I guess it's which ever way your bread is buttered

I have some interest in the number 13
my national insurance number includes 3 sets of 2 numbers
one set is 13
the car that I look after my disable OAP drug induced dementia mother with has 2 letters 2 numbers then 3 letters
the number is 13
I'm left handed & used to be beaten by him in an attempt to make me right handed
international left handeders day is August 13th
I'm not one for doing the lottery but when I do pick a line it always has to have the number 13
it's the only number that I get in the draw
when I was watching the world cup this year every time I looked at the tv the camera was on the shirt numbered 13

many years ago I decided to adopt the number thirteen as my lucky number

Bad-luck wind been blowing on my back

I was born to bring trouble wherever I'm at

With a number 13 tatooed on my neck

That ink starts to itch

Black gon' turn to red

I was born in the soul of misery and I

Never had me a name

They just gave me a number

When I was young

Got a long line of heartache

I carry it well

List of lives I've broken

Reach from here to hell

And a bad-luck wind been blowin' on my back

Pray you don't look, and pray I don't look back

I was born in the soul of misery and I

Never had me a name

They just gave me a number

When I was young

Found me with a preacher man confessin' all I done

Catch me with the devil playing 21

And a bad-luck wind been blowin' on my back

I was born to

Bring trouble wherever I'm at

I was born in the soul of misery and I

Never had me a name

They just gave me a number

When I was young

.:.

funny things you don't talk about...

...

I'm trying to learn a new technique for painting
so I can paint like a master, well that's the idea
then when I can, I can move on to doing anything I want & no smart arse can accuse me of being worse than a Turner Prize entrant incapable of even being able to draw as I'll be able to back it up with years worth of drawings & paintings
unlike a Turner Prize entrant
so for my first attempt I finished off an outline drawing of "D****" 
which was just sat on a chair laughing at me
& did a couple of my nephew
he was born dead & was dead for three minutes after being born
so I guess anything's possible

"D****"

20" x 16"

charcoal on canvas

"P*****"

18" x 14"

0.5 2b pencil on canvas board

[& about 30 washes of titanium white to soften the canvas board as it just crushed my charcoal pencil & I had to start again using a graphite pencil]

"P*****"

12" x 12"

0.5 2b pencil on canvas

[I should have done the 30 washes of titanium white for this one too but didn't think about it until most of the drawing had been laid out & I'm an awfi cheap bastard]

I was going to paint the woman you see in the photo, but you know all about her, so why bother masterbating the ego of someone who never gave a shit about me

my nephew loves these

he laughs out loud... "THAT'S ME!"

although he's not quite sure how I've managed to draw him sticking his tongue out, until his mum explained the modern wonder that is a digital camera

next will be a titanium white & paynes gray tonal painting called a "grisalle"

save having to worry about a colour underpainting, trying to mix colour to the correct tonal values you want

I'm led to believe that Vermeer used this technique & I'm fairly sure that if digital cameras existed in his day he would have used one too, much easier than a camera obscura

so three images to work on, as one set of washes dries out I can move on to the second then third not having to drum my fingers waiting for something to dry before I can continue
[I tend to take pictures before anything's actually finished then someone can claim it's their's but I'll have the finished version]

                                          

I realised I missed a day

But I'm too wrecked to care anyway
I look around and see this face
What the hell have I lost my taste
Don't want to find out
Just want to cut out

My head explodes my ears ring
I can't remember just where I've been
The last thing that I recall
I got lost in a deep black hole
Don't want to find out
Just want to cut out

Blackout
I really had a blackout
Blackout
I really had a blackout
Blackout
I really had a blackout
Blackout
I really had a blackout

I grab my things and make my run
On the way out, another one
Would like to know before I stop
Did I make it or did I flop
Don't want to find out
Just want to get out

Blackout
I really had a blackout
Blackout
I really had a blackout
Blackout
I really had a blackout
Blackout
I really had a blackout

Don't want to find out

Just want to get out

Blackout
I really had a blackout!

back in the late 70's early 80's The Scorpions were the german rock band
one week no one has heard of them the next they'd spread like wild fire
I wad a couple of their albums
the last was Blackout & after that success changed them & they were no good anymore

I went to the Blackout tour at the Apollo in Manchester
with my only friend out of school AA
I spent years trying to find him
I tried everywhere even his old school but there was just no sign of him
the only thing I could find was this snivelling little shit called JH
when I was about 14 I was collecting american comics 
trying to get a little nest egg I could sell later in life
there was this double issue that's been the basis for these x-men films you see
and he ripped it
I told him he had to replace it but he refused
so one night I went to his house & when he went to the toilet I took his version & replaced it with my ripped copy
don't recall ever going to his house or even talking to him again
which is probably why when I asked him for the contact details for AA he said
"AA's my friend now"
snivelling little shit then & snivelling little shit 32 years later

but yesterday I found AA
don't think I'll contact him but I did give his details to the police
as I remember back when I was 16 he was going to go to Australia
where his uncle owned a chain of sports stores & work for him
I think this is why his parents said I didn't have to move & I could live with them

I've still got the tour shirt & program from the concert

[funny things you don't talk about? I guess that'll be where the sarcasm comes in]
.:.

how to win on the horses

...
seeing as it's national day

don't be stupid
you can't win betting on horses
well if you bet the usual way you'll not win much
but here's a version I've given a great deal of thought to

I don't have a bank account, let alone any money to put in it
so I've not been able to test out this theory
I've just kept my mouth shut about it for a while now
well if I'm not going to make any money out of it why not just give it away see if others can test it out & see if it works

here's how it works:
you bet on the favourite "not to win"
no need to waste your time trying to pick out a horse to win
bet on the favourite to lose
why?
favourites only win 30% of the time
that means they lose 70% of the time
ok you wake up one morning & pick ten races  & bet the favourite "not to win"
what should happen is you lose 3 of the races but win 7
sod's law comes in to play
one day you'll wake up & bet ten races & the favourite will win all ten
but sod's law also dictates that one day you'll wake up & bet ten races & the favourite won't win any of them so you'll win ten
you just have to accept that some days are going to be better & worse than others

but don't forget to get your odds before you place the bet!

some other factors to consider:
years ago I went online to find that mythical algorithm that could tip the betting balance in my favour & I could win
it doesn't exist
although there'll be quite a few people that will tell you otherwise
just send 'em your money & they'll show you
but you'll lose twice
not only your stake but the money you just gave them

the only things I found were things like "never bet on a race with more than 8 horses"
so as this is betting in reverse we reverse that saying
"never bet on a race with less than 8 horses"
I've watched quite a few races to test this out
if you have a race with say five horses the favourite has a 1 in 5 chance of winning
but if you have a race with 8 horses?
the favourite has a 1 in 8 chance of winning
10 horses? you see how this spreads?
where do you draw the line?
I would guess that's where the odds from the book makers comes in to effect

bookmakers?
where do I place my bets?
I went in to william hill last year to place a bet that the queen would no longer be queen at some point in 2013
after a few phone calls they refused to take it
so I don't trust the highstreet bookmaker
online looks like the best place
but you have to be VERY careful which online one you use
quite a few of those that advertise on tv have very small fine print where they tell you things like "you can only take £100" or "you can't withdraw any winnings" so I'd try the old ones that have been round since long before the internet
use as many of them as you can afford to

this has to be looked at as a financial bubble
the more people get involved the bigger the bubble gets
until one day the bubble pops
that day would be when bookmakers look at their receipts  & say something's going on here
& they withdraw the bet
but until then
£500 a week easy
tax free

would I place this bet on the national? no, on principal, they just love it when they have to kill a horse in this race

I'm not the sharpest tool in the box so someone must have had this idea before I just know I was never meant to have money so let me know how you get on, see if it works

[I'm sure being dyslexic I've missed something but will update it when it pops back into my head]

On the first part of the journey
I was looking at all the life
There were plants and birds and rocks and things
There was sand and hills and rings
The first thing I met was a fly with a buzz
And the sky with no clouds
The heat was hot and the ground was dry
But the air was full of sound
I've been through the desert on a horse with no name
It felt good to be out of the rain
In the desert you can remember your name
'Cause there ain't no one for to give you no pain
La, la, la la la la la, la la la, la, la

After two days in the desert sun
My skin began to turn red
After three days in the desert fun
I was looking at a river bed
And the story it told of a river that flowed
Made me sad to think it was dead
You see I've been through the desert on a horse with no name
It felt good to be out of the rain
In the desert you can remember your name
'Cause there ain't no one for to give you no pain
La, la, la la la la la, la la la, la, la

After nine days I let the horse run free
'Cause the desert had turned to sea
There were plants and birds and rocks and things
There was sand and hills and rings
The ocean is a desert with it's life underground
And a perfect disguise above
Under the cities lies a heart made of ground
But the humans will give no love
You see I've been through the desert on a horse with no name
It felt good to be out of the rain
In the desert you can remember your name
'Cause there ain't no one for to give you no pain
La, la, la la la la la, la la la, la, la...

.:.

three little things

...

three little things

morphine sulphate
zolipem tartrate [- sleeper]
tramadol

any serious drug user knows the best ones are made by big-pharma 
[so you get to be friends with someone who works in a chemists]
unless you make your own chemical drugs & can vouch for quality in all the process of manufacture
I wouldn't recommend using street bought if you want to keep any sanity & be able to get up the next day

should a day ever arise when I take things further then this combination, after decades of experimentation will work, the way I've always wanted them to work, no pain, sweet... just make sure I've got enough this time

Don't worry about a thing
cause every little thing is gonna be alright
sungin don't worry about a thing
every little thing is gonna be alright

Rise up this morning
smiled with the rising sun
three little birds
pitch by my door step
singing sweet songs
of melodies pure and true
saying, this is my message to you:

singing don't worry about a thing...

cause every little things gonna be alright

singing don't worry about a thing...

cause every little things gonna be alright 

Rise up this morning
smiled with the rising sun
three little birds
pitch by my door step
singing sweet songs
of melodies pure and true
saying, this is my message to you

singing don't worry about a thing...

cause every little things gonna be alright

singing don't worry about a thing...

cause every little things gonna be alright

.:.